I forgot....

I forgot what i really wanted to tlk about tonight...i was super passionate about it yesterday bout i was too lazy to blog abt it...anywhoo i knw its about ma ex so am jus gona say wt happened between us, zn?

So a few days ago i realized he wasnt himself, zn! so i offered ma services nd recently i been txtin him more than usual until i realize he wud jus stop txtin in the middle of the convo or he'd give some meaningless reply like "kool." or "k". So one day we txting, ye...and it was going gud till he replied "kool." 

jus cold-turkey nd shit so i was like "k" I NEVER REPLY WITH JUST ONE LETTER...NEEEEVVVVVEEERRRRRR!!!! It felt extremely weird too cuz then the convo just died...anyway i sed to him (via txt of course) cud u please reply with sumn else other than "kool." cuz it makes the convo seem a bit awkward....no reply

so i say 'hello did u get my txt'....no reply

so i was like 'ugh...fine'

so u knw wat tht means nw....i will not b sticking my neck out for him agn PERIOD! 

Listen am this type of person i give a million and one chances to the ppl i genuinely L-O-V-E and CARE for....and he is one of them! and it alwys seems like the more i try to help him (and by him i mean every1 who has taken me for granted) is the more i feel like shit...so as of right now am NOT gona take tht anymore (ESPECIALLY FROM HIM) am tired of being nice nd being run over because of it.

Nxt thing i have a frend, ye...and she made a distasteful comment wen i came to visit her nd her frenz...no she and her bf are joined at the genitals so if u hurt one u hurt the other like some conjoined twin shizz...Now dnt get me wrong i have no problem with tht cuz wen u love sumbody u can neva get tired of being around or with them hence why they so inseprable...anyway i digress...i decided to hit up the ma frenz bf and i told him i missed him nd i loved him (in a brother-sister way of course) and tht am not made at him but at his girl...he however jus blew me off which was wat i expected cuz he is generally an asshole like his best frend who jus happens to b my ex...ye we kinda have the same circle of frenz so...

ye! u get it! anywhoo tht jus took a shot to ma confidence. And wat ever lil kindness or hope i had at fixing the residue of a frendship tht we have ...is nw completely (at a risk of sounding cliche) Gone With The Wind...

Epic Ending!!! :)

Breaking Point

last night i reached my breaking point, i finally broke down nd cried my eyes out and like every typical girl i needed some form of comfort zeen?

I made the mistake of txtin tha STBB his advice was hug up ma pillow nd think abt him and i told him i dnt want ma pillow i want him zn...tha yute ago say 'wen i get bttr i can have him to do as i please' OMG YUTE THIS ISNT ABOUT SEX!!!! all i wanted was a lil hug, a cuddle to tell me everything was gona b okie...i mean ma mind was so overwhelmed i strted thinkin tht i actually cud die because a this thing -sigh- DUMB JOCK! UGH! but then i thought mayb he isnt comfy around a girl wit her period right, cuz some guys arent i knw ma dad is tha type of guy who doesnt like to see a pad lying around so mayb thts why but wateva reason it is...i was really lonely nd just needed some assurance but as ive come to learn u can only depend on yerself in this life.

Anywhoo am slowly getting ova this dude so he might not even last too long stylz

On another note...i went back to tha doc today cuz tha pills they gave me were not working so i had to find out if its getting worse and all tht jazz...so i saw tha doc apparently (this is a diffy doc frm the one b4) she doesnt think i have a polycystic ovary cuz my ultrasound didnt show any cysts she thinks its some outlandish reason which for some reason i just dnt wana share here but anywhoo she sent me to do tha standard test BP, PR, Preggers test and Glucose test (BTW am not preggers :D) 

But knw om on some new shizz and if these dnt work amo have to go to tha hospital to do this test 

where their gona stretch open ma cervix nd scrape the walls of ma uterus

Should b fun dnt u think?

-sigh- 

Well i hope tha pills work cuz if they dnt inuh am FUUUCCCKKKEEEDDDD!!!!

i cant stand the pain

I knew my life wud be one of incessant pill popping but dear Lord i never thought id b right!

there is so much wrong with me and nw i have a pill for every illness...sigh wen will it ever end!!! 


AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SHIT!!!!!

Three Important Thoughts

1.

This Polycystic Ovary thing is not gona work out fah me...the pills are supposed to stop the bleeding but it hasnt! Am bleeding constantly! My body feels drained am easily annoyed, irritable, my head hurts i go thru so many pads, i cnt even lauff without feeling a gush of blood leaving ma body and not to mention am super horny all day everyday!!!! MA BODY IS SO SUPER SENSITIVE if i take a piss nd it tickles ma clit i feel like amo orgasm. i Cant even bathe in peace...if i stay too long in tha shower i strt dripping blood nd if i wipe ma vag too hard i turn maself on! UGH!!! i havent had sex in almost 6 months nw....AM STARVING!!! And i even think ma STBB is gona end this lil thing we have cuz a lack of sex nd i wuddnt fucking blame him might even cut him off nd save him the long hard decision nd the awkward convo. -sigh- I just want it to be over with...i want to b free of all this blood!

2.

so i was tlking to a frend of mine and jah knw its tha bes convo ive had in a gud while with anybody sensible enuff to understand me. As in i dnt even think he knws how much i really appreciated it cuz i needed sum1 to tlk to so bad tht i had all this pent up emotions and it was really great having sumwhere to release them tht had nothing to do with being anonymous or siting around a computer typing and editing shit....it was great to have so form of human companionship and since ma ex was the only one i cud tlk to nd seeing tht he is now unavailable for tht am glad i found sum1 else to help out a girl...(i bet he didnt think tht wud happen *middle finger*). It may be a lil awkward for ma ex seeing tht am sharing more with his frend than with him but in all honesty i did go to him for help and he shot me down so wat did he think was going to happen i wud sit around and wait for him and then eventually beg for mercy like the peasant bitch tht i am...

3.

i miss ma mom....she came to pick up my laundry the other day but apparently she was in a bad mood and decided she didnt wana speak to me which i guess is bttr than the norm which was her taking it out on me but its wateva...i missed her...she wasnt in tha mood fah me and am okie with tht...

so mayb am not but wat can i do...i cnt force the woman to show me some affection is not like she can read ma mind and realize am lonely and all tht jazz so wat do u expect a girl to do beg for her mother's affection....

id rather do without.

Say cheese :D

today i was forced to deal with a delicate topic...cheating

So ma ex cheated on me and it was a simple cheat ntn too dramatic but the heartache came frm the fact tht i thought i was immuned to being cheated on...u knw i had this theory tht because i cuddnt where my hair in a bun i cuddnt get bun....lol boi was i silly. I look Awesome in a bun nw [haha] 

The story goes...afta we broke up my ex decided to tell me tht just before we broke up he was feeling so neglected nd ignored (at tht time i was really stressed out my work load was unbearable and i was extremely depressed nd shit). He had a lil crush on this girl frm our high school nd she also had a lil crush on my then bf....nw me nd this girl we werent close frenz but we used to lauff and tlk to each other alot...we used to rub our boobz togthr nd kiss each other on the lips nd i think there was even tongue one time not too sure but anywhoo....nw they were at college togthr nd him feeling so sad nd lonely and she willing to lift his spirits...she...well lets just say she and julene can gree zeen -giggles- ahh boi

i wasnt hurt at the time cuz wen he told me we were broken up but in reality I AM FUCKING HURT and it wasnt the first time they did this....mayb tht was the furthest it went but the fact of the matter is its stylz cheating!!! and am styl disappointed nd shit...i alwys thought i wud be the one to cheat...fuck...even HE thought id b tha one to cheat nd lord knws ive come very close to it.....VERRY VERRRRRRY close nd it wuddnt have stopped at jus there (at the julene)....but i didnt cheat...cuz i cuddnt but mayb i shud have....well i didnt!

anyway i saw the girl afta this hppnd apparently she didnt knw i knw but i didnt bother to tell her i did my hypocrite role nd nw we dnt speak cuz i can only b fake for so long.

-sigh- in any case this is my open letter ...am hurt that i got cheated on -shrugs- but i guess i needed tht...so nw am prepared for anything

sorry there a are no pics am not in tha mood

UPDATE!!

Let's get the formalities out of the way:

1. Exercise has not happened after tht one time and am 

seriously disappointed abt it! 

2. Went to tha doc abt ma illness and ma diagnosis was right. I got some medz nd i have to go back in a month to do a blood test.

3. Tha STBB took faheva to reply to ma txt nd it pissd me off...plus a didnt see him for tha whole day -sigh- i miss him :(

NOW TO THA MEAT OF THA MATTER

i went on fb tonight to see a new msg...opened it up nd it was frm ma ex. In tha message it sed "2%" and this vid was attached...plus bare in mind tht me and my ex are not frenz on fb for a reason which was to limit our communication.

Now before i even pree dis vid i was like then i watched it nd my thoughts where: wat are u trying to prove? tht i gave u up for 2%? or tht u cheating on me was jus 2% or are u trying to say ma STBB is only 71%? 

let's say HYPOTHETICALLY tht u are 98%.....how hard is it to jus improve 2%? If its so minute tht women shud ova look it why dnt u just fix it?

Just some food for thought :)

Listen i can understand u loving a movie or having a fav. tv show and all but we have to understand ITS NOT REALlol it really isnt (just in case yer extermely surprised)....u cnt apply most of it to real life; u cnt b an asshole like house nd expect to b respected...u cnt just ignore and belittle ppl because u feel u are superior to them. When u adopt these things u watch on tv or tha internet into a convo am  having with u u have no idea how much it tickz me off its like i cant have a serious/normal conversation. So in reality u probably arent 98% yer probably 71% like me and ma STBB.

Right now am too tired to even ramble on abt this shit so...lataz peepz!

ps to ma ex: yer msg was received and promptly ignored after careful examination it was deemed extremely irrelevant and fallacious and thought of as a childish tactic to ignite some semblance of a conversation between us which is a result of shear desperation which in turn confirmed the notion tht you are:

no title or caption needed

Push Over

For most of my life i have been "a very nice and kind person" nobody was mean to me i had alot of frenz nd life was gud....but in the werds of my father:

'this world is not the place for nice ppl'

Usually wen am not a push over nd i become aggressive/assertive it ends up hurting pplz feelings and at the time i might not care but eventually i find maself apologizing to them r making silly excuses for wat i did.

However tht is in the past nw....ive become brutally honest in recent yrs telling the truth so often tht it is almost impossibru for me to lie....even if my life depended on it...the blind cud see thru my lies. i've nw come to learn to stand my ground even to those tht are older than me nd i knw it means running the risk of being disrespectful but i do it any anyways because its how i feel and mayb ppl shud strt taking this into consideration.

Even tho ive become this 'badass' i think i smile too much with ppl i care abt cuz then they also strt to underestimate the heights of my rage. Wen am the slightest of annoyed my thoughts go Texas Chainsaw Massacre -sigh- it even scares me how scary my thoughts can get...to the point where i might even try to put em to work.

So my STBB, was outside my class and our Dean was our lecturer tht day so u knw all tha kids were on there P'z and Q'z...anywhoo my class ended early nd she was tryna buy some time so i went outside to say hi to him and like a fucking pussy he strts running me bak inside...so am like dude chill out the class is over....he keeps telling me to go inside...his voice gets all serious he looks worried nd scared to shit nd he keeps repeating "go inside! go inside!!" so i reply "the class is overrrrrr....she's done" but while this is happening am noticing tht he really was serious and sacred and my thoughts are: dude am grown tho i cn do as i please nw so why r u behaving so jittery

He eventually realizes tht am not going inside so he processed to curse at me and i quote " weh di BUMBO...yow jus go bak inside!"

-chuckles- so he may not have finished his word but it got my attention inuff to make me wanna reach down his throat, drag his balls up thru a tour of his esophagus and having them exit thru his mouth.

anywhooo...i walked away slowly cuz this dude does not knw me...once i left other ppl strted leaving the class too so  he the realized tht he made a horrible mistake.

he comes to me all apologetic and shit and of course i deny him...i told him flat out i didnt accept his apology...but he made it up to me, eventually.

the point is i might b a nice girl but i am not for Brittney Spears initials.

dnt b a push ova stand up fah yerself and yer beliefs...our ancestors fought too hard for a voice for us to jus sit and b silent.