Life & It's Mishaps

Well I haven't been posting in a while, and when I say a while I mean a fricken long time. LOL

Anyway, Hola...Let's get down to business. Since I've been away I can't really catch you up on every single detail that has happened since the last time I blogged so am gona just give you the important parts. That includes My Gay Path and my normal, confused love life path.

My Gay Path

So this path has been short, and when I say short I don't mean the length of the path, as if to say I did it a few days then stopped. No. I mean I haven't reached where I would have liked to be by now (its my fault tho...being a pussy and all).

I've had a couple of girls ready and willing to take me to hell and back but I haven't pushed it, either because am not interested in them or because am just scared and ish. Even so, they're still there so i can take up the offer at anytime. But there is also the problem of chicks I wana approach or wana screw and i may give them hints and they seem willing but I don't want to disappoint them so I a back down...cause lets face it I cant approach chicks and not have a good amount of experience, that'll just be embarrassing (am not about that life).

In essence, am still trodding my Gay Path, but its a slow, extremely slow walk but am still very interested in walking straight to the finish line.

Sighh...on to the next topic of my life...the non-existent love life

I met a new guy, we shall refer to him as Capricorn...which is his zodiac sign. He basically mind fucked me...literally!

Now, I'm an extreme Sapiosexual (google it) and this guy...sigh...he fucking blew ma mind . I don't know if its because i didn't expect him to be so...so witty/charming/pragmatic. The day I met him I had a 20 minute conversation with the guy and he gained my attention and kept it for an entire week...now this hardly happens to me. I meet guys who are intelligent all the time its not that rare, but usually those guys use their intelligence to belittle their peers, to be condescending assholes or just annoy me by just being verbose.

I can not express how this guy has affect my state of mind....if i should even give you tha half it would be clear as day that I desperately need professional help. I have spoken to this guy face to face about two times, I've seen him in total five time...3/5 times we made out. We can never communicate non-verbally because he's so busy with family, school and some other personal stuff. The point am trying to make is, I hardly get to see Capricorn and we can never talk otherwise because he's so busy and with me being so 'obsessed' I decided it wasn't safe to even have any contact info for him.

In the end, I deleted him out of my life about a week and a half ago, he still has my contact info tho but he has never tried to contact me...so i took tha hint basically, and i realized I made the right decision.

Side Note: I may make it seem as if am infatuated with someone who doesn't even notice me but this is not true he has expressed mutual feelings for me (which I now question as i type this...welp). In any case, even in my infatuated phase I was still stable enough to cut my losses...and for that I am uber proud of my self. 

Maybe in my next blog Ill tell you the full story on Capricorn...if i feel like it

Secure Insecurities....

You know you're a pro at hiding your feelings when your mother is sitting directly in front of you approx 30" and your crying your eyes out choking on yer food and she doesn't even notice....well its either u a pro or mommy just dont care bout you boo boo...

am a pro tho!

ive become so badass at hiding my feelings tht nw i have to FORCE myself to cry just to lower my blood pressure [tht shit Cray!]

Anyway, ma mom and I went shopping today and she decided to bring along one of her friends...no let me make this ABUNDANTLY CLEAR....

I>>>AM>>>NOT>>>>INSECURE>>>>ABOUT>>>MY>>>WEIGHT

Fuck That Shit!

Let me me list the people who are: My Mom, My Dad, My Mom's Billions of Friends, My Family and My Community. In essence I am Happy with who i am...i might b over weight but am happy and for these people its just not enough [SMH]

I try to be the perfect daughter; good grades, polite, a winning personality but its not enough because am not skinny...pschk! anyway, i digress...

We were shopping and of course am going to have problems finding clothes and whatnot but once i try on sumthing i hear my mom whispering to her friend about how am shaped in my dress [UGH] or i hear her friend make some remark about how i need to "shake off" some weight she even suggested i get a girdle! [WTF]  Now listen, where am from when your parent's friend insults you....your parents dont stick up for you they back up their friend and tag-team their own off-spring....

When i was in high school i lost alot of weight and ended up very skinny and once i left high school i just gained it all back and thats what's killing my parents the fact tht i can b skinny, was skinny but nw am over-weight and they cant stand the sight of me....my mom even referred to the times wen i was younger nd she had to go thru so much hell to find clothes for me tht it just pains her heart tht she has to go thru it agn...FUCK YOU!!!

I'd honestly love to say am sorry am such a terror to look at but am not sorry...ill show my parents tru beauty and they'll love it.

So am not the type of person to repeatedly piss off because i am the epitome of a ticking time bomb hence i will store all my aggression so wen i unleash my wrath it will b a lesson well learnt by victims of my explosion.

ps. I totally called my ex a Condescending Asshole on fb today :D i didnt deserve it but IDGAF!!!

Summer Love....

So of course you're gona want and explanation of the previous post but i cannot give that to you. Because when i write these things i write them with emotion hence all the errors and short hand i want to get my point across before my feelings change during the writing process....

i write what i feel and i write it quickly for my emotions do fade and when they do i lose motivation to blog and the post gets boring. 

If You Know What I Mean

In any case i will try to surmise what i was feeling at the time without seeming vague.

Basically, my ex had texted me that day and passed all the pleasantries only to let me know that we might never get back together. Now, i don't know if this was clear portrayed in this blog that i was clenching desperately to the hope that we would in fact get back together but not only that but would have rekindled a new flame and would be more in love than ever....and with that text all hope was shattered for me hence the blog.


Since then a few things have happened:


1. I came to the realization that we would never get back together and i might have to get to know someone all over again and fall in love....agian, and then possibly be heart broken....again :(
Seamless to say i took it pretty well....i have completely destroyed my phone so i have no urges to text or call my ex and i hardly check his facebook anyway so...ye. What am trying to say is am slowly getting over my ex am quite surprised at how well its going, even in his presence i tend to feel little to nothing and it scares me because suppose he comes back and i've lost all feelings for him and all that's left is non-reprehensible residue? 








Am just praying that whatever love we had, if it does die, he has the strength to resurrect it.






2. Some good news....Rugby dude texted me to apologize and even make small talk...i indulged him cuz it takes up too much time and energy to be pissed and angry but ill say this.... I KNEW HE'D BE BACK! (mwahahahahahah!!!)




My point here is.....my ex says he needs more time to cope with our break up ye..and thats all fine and dandy but while he's coping this distance is making me get over him at a very impressive pace considering the type of love i declared i had for him.....so either he speeds up his process or he's gona lose me forever like the pastor's son before him (ie thts a story for another time)

" Our Deepest Fear is not tht we are inadeq....BULLSHIT!!!

Our Deepest fear is tht our deepest fears become a most vivid reality!!

The only thing stronger than fear is hope and the worst feeling is having tht hope destroyed...That!...That is wat leads to the anger, the jealousy, the rage, the disappointment tht we feel and its why am feeling how i feel....I make alot of promises to myself nd i write them on this blog, but this is were it stops...i will do as i please and if it doesnt please me then it will cease to exist in my world.

Sigh....i dnt even knw how am feeling i just want to shut down and hibernate for a while
 I just wana get drunk and get high nd leave this place.....i really do

Karma

Meet Sad Keanu...he expresses how i feel the bird and all

When i was with my ex he used to complain about me never answering his calls and how it used to be so annoying and frustrating for him....my rebuttal was that he had so much free time and I was busy.....which was the truth!

I never knew how serious these calls were because I couldn't see from his point of view, but nw that we're on rocky roads and am trying to patch things up I've been making an effort to call him once in a while but it seems like he is now too busy for me

.....which i should expect....but in all honesty i didn't!

When i call (which is rare) i expect him to answer after the 4th and 7th call you knw.....i was probably expecting too much seeing what happened between us....and being a female the first thing my mind goes to is tht he's screwing sum1 and just cant reach the fone right nw

Am so depressed right nw because it just hit me that my ex is doing fine without me and am the only one struggling....am the only one feeling like shit, feeling alone and useless -sigh- in hindsight i wish i had freaking sprinted to that phone when it rang

GOT......TO......GET.....PHONEEEE!!!!!!!!!

So listen am this type of person....when something like this happens to me and i knw i deserve it my first instinct is to cry but my body REFUSES to make me cry for simple issues....once ive released my feelings nd had my pity party I move on immediately to a happy place without really addressing my previous emotional state so right nw in the few minutes I took to right this I got over the missed calls and alrdy made up my mind not to call agn as a defense mechanism....in my mind i wana delete his number but i knw it from memory so it wont make a difference but -sigh- am moving on.....no point being sad

Left this size to emphasize how happy i am....(it would seem am over compensating....but who cares wat u think)

blah blah.....late news

Obviously I haven’t been here for a while and the reason is extremely convoluted…..its basically a 

cocktail of no time due to exams nd after exams no net and then getting home to no net and then getting the 

net only for it to b to slow nd a whole load a crap tht I cant get into right nw.

Firstly due to no net, I cant really use my normal illustrative methods so amo try to b as vivid and descriptive 

in my wordsas i possibly can, 

which is a challenge for me because am not a writer am more of an entertainer and part of my act is my little 

‘trolling humor’ ….but in any case ill try my best to still keep you entertained 

Okay, where to start…..-sigh- okie so Rugby dude if I haven’t told you I had unfriended him on fb, 

unfollowed him and deleted his number from my phone, well a while back out of the blue I got a friend 

request frm him. My first thought was….well someone went on his page and sent the request, ye? Anyway 

thts wat am going with and let me tell you its been over 2wks since he sent the request and I have no urge 

(not the word I want to use but its wat I got) of accepting the request. Eventually I moved on frm the 

mysterious request and it came time for my Final Fete I didn’t wana go cuz for ane I dnt like to go parties tht 

aren’t water parties cuz I tend to sweat profusely ALL THE TIME! And tht is just not hot nor is it

attractive….moving on….i didn’t go bcuz of the reason previously stated along with the increased potential 

of me seeing rugby dude (which is not the main reason no matter wat u think) so ye!

I went to a party at a local club tht Saturday with one of my girl frenz frm my previous educational institution 

and I brought a few gals frm my present one…..so of course we wanted some liquor and we moved to the 

bar….in the corner of my eye I see a guy frm my class nd to my surprise I see rugby dude in all his glory of 

course am not gona tlk to him cuz….well…..am dead! But of all the things tho!!!! Imagine I totally flaked on 

a party the night b4 only to go out of my way to see him poised nd glowing LIKE WAT THE HELL 

UNIVERSE!!!  Ugh! *middle finger*. Anyway being courteous as I am I decided to greet his frenz with a 

hug nd a cheek kiss and completely ignore him….sigh this is a long story so ill just skip to the good part

After a while he came to me arm around ma waist nd he says “ u good?” am like nigguh WTF we aren’t 

tlking in any case I replied with raised eyebrows nd a questioning/bitchy look “ye am good….ummm are u alright?”

 cuz nw a girl confused more than a blackanese Jew….he then procedes to tell me he sorry for 

everything nad am like ye whatever. My thoughts are it would just b awkward for us to b the same place at 

a party with good vibes and not enjoying it due to the animosity between us…..tht I agree with….and he’s 

smart to break the ice and I was okie with it for the night but nw am bak to hater mode cuz “I’m sorry” 

doest fix wat happened. Long story short he played slick the whole night to get dances with me nd I let him 

in a few times….i mean it’s a party cant have bad vibes at a great party like tht.

After the party >>{fastforward} he hugs me up frm behind nd me in bitch mode replies we not frenz tho let 

me go….u cnt see dead ppl…..his lame reply was: well I can am like mel Gibson in tht movie

 NIGGUH 

IT 

WASN’T 

MEL GIBSON IT WAS THE LITTLE BOY!!!  

*Big as face palm*  

                                                I just walked away after tht i mean there was just nothing more to say...UGH!                                                                                                                                                

Someone I Used To Knw

This is just to update you on how ive been handling the Rugby dude situation

Basically i dnt exist to him....we totally and completely ignore each other and the thing is we are alwys so close (in proximity) to each other ALL THE TIME i think its cuz we have the same frenz and think similarly so we end up at the same places at the same times....but so far it hasnt been to awkward am jus chill abt it...on the other hand nw and then i do catch him staring at me which kinda makes me feel like he still has feelings for and u gotta admit am AWESOME so u cnt just stop liking me its like fighting who you are....U CANT WIN...am pretty awesome and my powers grow stronger with each victim. So ye thts Basically it tho....other than tht I've seen his new girl frm the back and i must say even frm the back she still needs a lil help from photoshop.

But In any case, he has someone and my ex has someone so in others words, am the only sucker.