Secure Insecurities....

You know you're a pro at hiding your feelings when your mother is sitting directly in front of you approx 30" and your crying your eyes out choking on yer food and she doesn't even notice....well its either u a pro or mommy just dont care bout you boo boo...

am a pro tho!

ive become so badass at hiding my feelings tht nw i have to FORCE myself to cry just to lower my blood pressure [tht shit Cray!]

Anyway, ma mom and I went shopping today and she decided to bring along one of her friends...no let me make this ABUNDANTLY CLEAR....

I>>>AM>>>NOT>>>>INSECURE>>>>ABOUT>>>MY>>>WEIGHT

Fuck That Shit!

Let me me list the people who are: My Mom, My Dad, My Mom's Billions of Friends, My Family and My Community. In essence I am Happy with who i am...i might b over weight but am happy and for these people its just not enough [SMH]

I try to be the perfect daughter; good grades, polite, a winning personality but its not enough because am not skinny...pschk! anyway, i digress...

We were shopping and of course am going to have problems finding clothes and whatnot but once i try on sumthing i hear my mom whispering to her friend about how am shaped in my dress [UGH] or i hear her friend make some remark about how i need to "shake off" some weight she even suggested i get a girdle! [WTF]  Now listen, where am from when your parent's friend insults you....your parents dont stick up for you they back up their friend and tag-team their own off-spring....

When i was in high school i lost alot of weight and ended up very skinny and once i left high school i just gained it all back and thats what's killing my parents the fact tht i can b skinny, was skinny but nw am over-weight and they cant stand the sight of me....my mom even referred to the times wen i was younger nd she had to go thru so much hell to find clothes for me tht it just pains her heart tht she has to go thru it agn...FUCK YOU!!!

I'd honestly love to say am sorry am such a terror to look at but am not sorry...ill show my parents tru beauty and they'll love it.

So am not the type of person to repeatedly piss off because i am the epitome of a ticking time bomb hence i will store all my aggression so wen i unleash my wrath it will b a lesson well learnt by victims of my explosion.

ps. I totally called my ex a Condescending Asshole on fb today :D i didnt deserve it but IDGAF!!!

Summer Love....

So of course you're gona want and explanation of the previous post but i cannot give that to you. Because when i write these things i write them with emotion hence all the errors and short hand i want to get my point across before my feelings change during the writing process....

i write what i feel and i write it quickly for my emotions do fade and when they do i lose motivation to blog and the post gets boring. 

If You Know What I Mean

In any case i will try to surmise what i was feeling at the time without seeming vague.

Basically, my ex had texted me that day and passed all the pleasantries only to let me know that we might never get back together. Now, i don't know if this was clear portrayed in this blog that i was clenching desperately to the hope that we would in fact get back together but not only that but would have rekindled a new flame and would be more in love than ever....and with that text all hope was shattered for me hence the blog.


Since then a few things have happened:


1. I came to the realization that we would never get back together and i might have to get to know someone all over again and fall in love....agian, and then possibly be heart broken....again :(
Seamless to say i took it pretty well....i have completely destroyed my phone so i have no urges to text or call my ex and i hardly check his facebook anyway so...ye. What am trying to say is am slowly getting over my ex am quite surprised at how well its going, even in his presence i tend to feel little to nothing and it scares me because suppose he comes back and i've lost all feelings for him and all that's left is non-reprehensible residue? 








Am just praying that whatever love we had, if it does die, he has the strength to resurrect it.






2. Some good news....Rugby dude texted me to apologize and even make small talk...i indulged him cuz it takes up too much time and energy to be pissed and angry but ill say this.... I KNEW HE'D BE BACK! (mwahahahahahah!!!)




My point here is.....my ex says he needs more time to cope with our break up ye..and thats all fine and dandy but while he's coping this distance is making me get over him at a very impressive pace considering the type of love i declared i had for him.....so either he speeds up his process or he's gona lose me forever like the pastor's son before him (ie thts a story for another time)

" Our Deepest Fear is not tht we are inadeq....BULLSHIT!!!

Our Deepest fear is tht our deepest fears become a most vivid reality!!

The only thing stronger than fear is hope and the worst feeling is having tht hope destroyed...That!...That is wat leads to the anger, the jealousy, the rage, the disappointment tht we feel and its why am feeling how i feel....I make alot of promises to myself nd i write them on this blog, but this is were it stops...i will do as i please and if it doesnt please me then it will cease to exist in my world.

Sigh....i dnt even knw how am feeling i just want to shut down and hibernate for a while
 I just wana get drunk and get high nd leave this place.....i really do

Karma

Meet Sad Keanu...he expresses how i feel the bird and all

When i was with my ex he used to complain about me never answering his calls and how it used to be so annoying and frustrating for him....my rebuttal was that he had so much free time and I was busy.....which was the truth!

I never knew how serious these calls were because I couldn't see from his point of view, but nw that we're on rocky roads and am trying to patch things up I've been making an effort to call him once in a while but it seems like he is now too busy for me

.....which i should expect....but in all honesty i didn't!

When i call (which is rare) i expect him to answer after the 4th and 7th call you knw.....i was probably expecting too much seeing what happened between us....and being a female the first thing my mind goes to is tht he's screwing sum1 and just cant reach the fone right nw

Am so depressed right nw because it just hit me that my ex is doing fine without me and am the only one struggling....am the only one feeling like shit, feeling alone and useless -sigh- in hindsight i wish i had freaking sprinted to that phone when it rang

GOT......TO......GET.....PHONEEEE!!!!!!!!!

So listen am this type of person....when something like this happens to me and i knw i deserve it my first instinct is to cry but my body REFUSES to make me cry for simple issues....once ive released my feelings nd had my pity party I move on immediately to a happy place without really addressing my previous emotional state so right nw in the few minutes I took to right this I got over the missed calls and alrdy made up my mind not to call agn as a defense mechanism....in my mind i wana delete his number but i knw it from memory so it wont make a difference but -sigh- am moving on.....no point being sad

Left this size to emphasize how happy i am....(it would seem am over compensating....but who cares wat u think)